Thursday, April 26, 2007

Jackals Win FAHL C Division Championship

From staff writer Michael Brantley.

For the second time in three seasons, the Bella Italia Jackals overcame the suspension of a key contributor to win the FAHL C Division Championship. The Jackals (13-4) dominated from the opening drop to defeat regular season champ Vincent’s (14-3) 7-2.

Center Patrick Zarb had 3 goals and 2 assists and center Marc Haberkorn added 2 goals. Both players had shorthanded markers in the second period.
Forwards John Matthews and Paul Reid had the other 2 goals as well as an assist, while Chris Reed and Mike Brantley each made the scoresheet with assists.
Team captain Mike Brantley attributed the win to a total team effort, and great preparation. The Jackals jumped out to an early lead and never let up.

“I attribute our win to a total team effort,” Brantley said, “not to mention we had great preparation. We jumped out to an early lead and never let up.”

Haberkorn started the scoring two minutes in on an assist from Reid and before the period was over Zarb and Matthews added scores to make it 3-0 after the first period. However, it was the second period that really made the difference, with both shorthanded goals being scored.

“It was the second period that really made the difference,” Zarb said. “Both shorthanded goals were scored.”

The two shorties were wrapped around a goal from Reid to make it 6-0.
“[expletive] yeah, [expletive] [expletive] yeah,” Reid said. “It was [expletive] awesome.”

Vincent’s picked up 2 goals in the third, but Zarb’s empty netter made them largely ignored.

“We largely ignored them in an elongated way,” said Adam Floyd, who missed the last championship game with a torn labia. “My nut hurts.”
In addition to the momentus win, what might have been more remarkable was the fact that Paul Holmes and Bruce Stevens made it two games without taking a penalty or an assault charge.

“Is Jonah really coming back?,” Stevens replied when asked about the remarkable fact.

When asked about his new calmness Holmes added, “Well, if that’s the case, I quit, I’m not playing this summer.”

Goalie Ian Sands, modeling himself after legendary Jackals goalies with porno names Neil Blazer and Kevin Universal did an awesome job of not sucking. He had 29 saves on 31 shots and blew bubbles after the game [insert joke here].
Vlad Potapoff, everyone’s favorite former Soviet Socialist Republic citizen, was unable to play due to preventing manslaughter in the first playoff game. However, he managed the bench while looking very distinguished and even apologized to the ref afterwards.

“I apologize in Russian,” Vlad said. “But we shall see who gets apology. I know people who do things.”

Also missing from the game was Mexican immigrant Martin Roxo, who showed uncharacteristic toughness last week, finishing the game on two broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and severe gas.
The win was also exciting for Greg Codges, who at age 72 could not contain his excitement.

“I can’t contain my excitement,” Hodges said. “Hey, I think I just wet myself. Is Truman still President? Where’s my crackers! I like turnips.”

1 comment:

Karen Lee said...

That is so (expletive) funny! I think I wet myself. Where's those (expletive) crackers?

Also (expletive) (expletive) congrats (I think).

Also - you should become a witer or something.